Parenting on its own has its challenges
Raising children with special needs brings parenting to a whole new level; it puts the pressure on our parenting skills and emotions.
Every emotion or sensory issue of your child seems amplified 100x more.
Your child’s development is not following the typical trajectory curve. Basic tasks such as brushing your teeth or getting dressed can be a mammoth task.
You are exhausted. Your child has done another all-nighter for what seems like an eternity.
With problems coming from all directions, you are gripped with a sense of desperation and hopelessness; you are feeling like a failure.
You are beginning to wonder how to feel that connection and joy parenting a child with autism.
Life doesn’t always go the way we want it to
It is easy to be positive when everything is going well.
With the problems and challenges my daughter face today, I wonder what her future will be like.
To give in to negativity is easy; I am guilty of that.
Our emotions dictate our thoughts and actions. They go back-and-forth like a yo-yo in unexpected circumstances or setbacks.
While we do not always have control over our circumstances, we certainly can control how we respond to each of them.
Our attitude matters
How do we interpret the circumstances we find ourselves in? Our attitude impacts our thoughts, energy and above all, the actions we take.
To be clear, being positive is not – Smile and everything will be OK!
It certainly does not mean ignoring real-life problems. It definitely does not suppress not-so-positive emotions.
Being positive is about taking control of our circumstances by not being a slave to our emotions.
A positive mindset is taking responsibility for how your attitude has on our quality of life. How it affects those around you, especially with your special-needs child.
How to stay positive even through the worst adversity
Research shows that parents who adopt positive and solution-focused strategies report less stress at home. Parents who adopt emotion-focused coping strategies, having difficulties managing adverse situations.
How do we stay positive even through the worst adversity?
5 positive parenting ways to get you through the tough times
(1) Address and let go of negative thoughts and fears
When you find yourself riding in the wave of negative thoughts and fears, it is important not to dismiss those feelings. By addressing them clearly, we enable ourselves to grow from them.
Allow those emotions to happen. Validate those emotions.
Then let it go.
How to address and let go of our negative thoughts?
Write it down if you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts. It pushes you to slow down your thoughts and articulate what is truly bothering you.
What triggered those emotions? How could you deal with the situation differently if it occurs again?
Awareness is power. It gives us the control to choose how we respond.
We have a choice in letting go of the negativity and fears.
(2) Focus on the present
I worry about many things. I worry about people hurting my daughter or taking advantage of her. I worry about who will take care of her when we are no longer around.
She is vulnerable in this world.
While my worries about her unknown future are valid, they hinder my ability to help my daughter today.
There are enough worries to address today. There is only so much we can cope with both physically and mentally without the concerns of our yesterdays and the future.
Our peace of mind is important for us to make rational decisions for our children today.
So, for my daughter’s sake and my personal sanity, I need to put aside future worries; worries that are not within my control.
Instead, I choose to channel my energy and focus on the present.
How to focus on the present?
Our actions do not have to be spectacular. We can start with small and simple changes.
Every little action and change you make today will improve your life, feeling and attitude.
My daughter and I started a weekly walk around our neighbourhood. It is our much-needed exercise and bonding time. We also take this time to improve her conversational skills. Sometimes actions that appear insignificant can provide impactful results.
Focus on things that truly matters today, what you can control today and find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.
Your list of future (uncontrollable) concerns can wait until you and your child are ready to address them.
(3) Turn setbacks/challenges into lessons.
No one likes to fail, but they are inevitable.
We try to avoid them. Failures and setbacks make you feel you’re not enough.
The truth is, we should never avoid setbacks and challenges. They can be ok.
While it does not serve us to dwell on our setbacks, there are lessons to be learnt from it and reflecting on them can be productive.
Just remember, you do not get lessons from the good times but the bad ones.
Times when you feel that can’t take this any longer; you can’t breathe anymore. You get lessons in moments when you are at a breaking point; you can’t push yourself any further.
These are the times you can learn most about yourself and what you really want in life.
If we do not learn anything from the difficult time in our lives, it is going to be tough to get through them the next time.
How do you turn setbacks/challenges into lessons?
Ask yourself these tough questions:
- What went wrong?
- What did I learn from this?
- What could I do better next time?
How can you take something negative and find a way to make something positive?
How can you see past the challenges in this special-needs parenting journey and turn this to a positive experience for you?
(4) Practice solution-focused thinking
Every person approaches a problem differently. Some focus on why the problem emerged (problem-focused thinking), while others prefer to think about possible solutions to help them solve a problem (solution-focused thinking).
Problem-focused thinking does not help us to solve difficult situations. One would be imagining all the negative consequences they might face when trying to solve the task. This only serves to increase our fear of taking the next steps.
To think in a solution-focused way, we are aware that seeking reasons for problems we can’t change is pointless. Instead, we focus on what can be done; using our skills, resources, strategies and ideas.. We have a plan of action on how to avoid or lessen the impact of the problem should happen again.
How do you practice solution-focused thinking?
BUILD on things that are “right” not “wrong”. Build on things that can be done.
IDENTIFY an exception. Can you identify moments when the problem was absent or less intense?
EXPLORE the details of the exception. When, where and how did you approach things differently during the time you saw positive results or behaviour with your child?
EXPAND the exception. What would it take to repeat more of these exceptions?
(5) Practice self-empathy
In today’s world, self-empathy is highly underrated. It refers to the practice of being understanding and forgiving towards oneself, including the times of failure and pain.
When we make mistakes, we tend to be very critical of ourselves. We tend to remember the wrongs rather than the good.
I know the feeling of being guilty of not doing enough – not being a better mum, wife, daughter, friend etc.
A lot of our guilt is driven by our own internal expectations, which are honestly, unrealistic.
We are all doing our best, but we are holding on to unrealistic ideals and expectations of ourselves?
When you have empathy and compassion for someone, we try to relate to their situation, so that we will not judge them too severely. Likewise, we should also extend the same courtesy to ourselves.
Self-empathy does not mean that your mistakes should go unchallenged or relieve you from apologizing if you let others down. It merely means that you, just like everyone else, deserve empathic concern, love and care even when you make mistakes.
How to practice self-empathy?
- Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend.
A good rule of thumb – if you would not say something to your best friend, you should not say it to yourself.
Try the following quick exercise if you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk.
For example, under “Limiting Belief” you could write, “I’m a bad mum.”
Next, under “Empowering Belief”, write a positive statement like, “I’m a good mum.”
Under “Evidence”, write anything that shows why you are amazing. For example, “I am able to communicate with my daughter in a way that no one else can.”
Finally, repeat this exercise daily until positive self-talk happens naturally.
- Forgive yourself
People make mistakes. I have made countless mistakes; small, big and really embarrassing ones.
Often, we beat ourselves up for the mistakes we make. Sometimes it is easier to forgive others but not yourself.
Forgiveness gives us the ability to move away from our past and into the present.
Forgiveness gives us the ability to release our anger, resentment and burden.
Visualise a scenario when someone forgives us when we have done them wrong. A sigh of relief? A huge weight lifted off our shoulders?
With that in mind, imagine how would forgiveness personally feel if you could forgive yourself too.
- Stop comparing your child to others
Special needs parents do this a lot. This comparing thing is not making us any happier. In fact, it makes us miserable.
Even before my daughter was diagnosed, I have memories of comparing her to her peers. Why isn’t she talking? Why doesn’t she play like her other kids?
While other parents celebrate their child’s milestones, I was the silent bystander, wondering when will mine ever happened.
When you have a child with special needs, you learn to appreciate all the wonderful things that they can do.
Accepting that she is different is going to be the most important skill in staying positive and preserving through the hard times.
I cried with joy when my daughter spoke her first unprompted full sentence at age seven.
At her own pace and time, I celebrate the small successes of my daughter. Above all. I stop comparing my child to others.
As special-needs parents, shifting our outlook to see potential challenges in a less threatening way definitely helps cultivate a more positive mindset. It helps us cope more easily with the daily affairs of life. It brings optimism and makes it easier to avoid worries and negative thoughts.
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