My husband and I once enjoyed a peaceful and quiet life before kids. Gone were those days the moment we started growing our family. Having a family of 3 kids does give the home a boisterous feel.
Our oldest son loves to talk. We have gotten into many lively debates and discussions with him. He always has something to say. Sometimes we have to beg him to give us a minute of peace.
We couldn’t have been more thrilled with the arrival of our second child. Our daughter is the exact opposite of her brother, calm and quiet. She was such a good baby; she ate and slept well, giving her mummy little trouble.
It never dawned on me that her “quietness” then meant something more. I never knew her “calm” personality would eventually mean issues in her future developmental growth.
I always assumed that our daughter’s speech delay was due to our move to Belgium at such a young age. Being exposed to three languages – English, Swedish and French, may impede her speech development. But after 2 years of silence, you start to wonder if it is more than the environment that is causing her speech delays.
My daughter started speech therapy as soon as we received her diagnostic assessment. We saw some progress. She could say some basic words and requests {with much prompting}; this was as far as she got for the longest time.
How I was yearning to talk with my daughter
It pained me when I could never ask my daughter,” How is your day, sweetheart?”
My heart ached when I could not ask her,” Why are you crying, sweetheart?”
There were times neither she nor her teachers could explain why she came back from school crying.
Nonverbal parenting does require tons of detective skills and patience. It was heartbreaking to hear my daughter’s frustration when she could not express what she wanted or what was wrong in words.
What an irony as I think back to the times when I begged my son to give me 60 seconds of peace. Today, I choose all that noise over quietness, all that chatter and arguments over peace; how I yearn for this mother-daughter duo to have a simple conversation.
The big communication breakthrough we had with our daughter
We tried different ways to improve her communication skills. We were working with various speech therapy programs, used pec visual aids and even sign language. Despite all efforts, she was making little progress.
Yes, I am concerned about my daughter’s language abilities. But if you read our story, I spent years obsessing over what she is unable to do. Perhaps she did not need a mother fixing her faults, but someone who accepts her for who she is.
The moment I put aside my obsession to “fix” the situation and simply have fun with her – the magic happened.
My daughter started communicating more of her thoughts through spelling. Through spelling, she was able to tell me how she is feeling.
Through spelling, she eventually gained more confidence in expressing herself with words and sentences.
Today, this mother-daughter duo are enjoying our simple conversations together.
Breaking that silence by building connections
I never imagined that the steps I took to connect with my daughter would have such a profound impact. It broke the silence between us after seven long years.
The lesson that I had learnt is that just because words go unspoken doesn’t mean that they have nothing to say. Our children still have the same communication needs as the rest of us. I knew I had to dig deeper and find a communication strategy that works for my daughter.
4 important steps I took that improved engagement with my daughter
(1) Connect based on her interests.
I read so many inspirational stories of parents finding alternative ways to communicate with their non-verbal ASD child. They range from art, music, boats, cars, aeroplanes, stones, water jars and even feathers. Whatever method they used, one thing remains consistent – they followed the child’s lead.
They learnt how to embrace their child’s interests as a springboard to connect with them.
For us, we worked on our daughter’s love for alphabets, colours and fairy tales to improve her engagement. Working based on her interests brings her such joy.
(3) Show them consistent love and affection
For many families, showing our children affection is a given and obvious one. We love to hug and kiss our children.
While my family has no issues in this area, it can be hurting when your own daughter does not wish to reciprocate such affections.
“Love never gives up.”
1 Corinthians 13
It took a while for us to realise that our daughter’s rejections are not personal. Despite her “rejections”, she needs ever more evidence that we are here for her.
My daughter may not always enjoy her mother’s hugs and kisses, but she appreciates my nearby presence when she plays. She always knows I am there for her.
(3) Be that playful parent
Sometimes when we get so busy and stressed with everyday life. As a result, playing with our children takes a lower priority.
We should never underestimate the importance of play. Play fosters deeper connections, promotes cooperation and joy at home. It is a child’s way of making sense to the outside world.
While play comes naturally for most children, it is not so for a child with ASD. It is certainly possible. It just requires a lot more deep breaths and creativity to make this work.
How can we rediscover that inner child in us, so that we can be that playful parent?
- Observe: Take time to observe how your child plays. What is she interested in?
- Schedule: Set aside time for it. Mark it in your calendar.
- Dramatize: Go over-the-top, exaggerate, imitate, be silly etc. Follow your kids’ laughter.
- Boring jobs can be fun: Find creative ways incorporating fun with chores. You are killing two birds with one stone while teaching them a life skill and having fun. E.g., get the child to throw in the clothes in the laundry basket.
- Play as a strategy: When parenting times get tough, change the mood and direction play. E.g., A spontaneous pillow fight, play dead, be a statue could lighten the mood.
(4) Try something new or challenging
Now and then, I would challenge my daughter to try something new or challenging. Together we would explore new places and activities that push her out of her comfort zone.
While I understand the importance of predictability and routines, sometimes mixing up the environment may help those on the spectrum learn to adapt.
My daughter may dislike and even hate it then, but I see positive changes in her whenever we try “new things”. It has broadened her independent skill base, her resilience and even her conversation and social skills.
Through experiencing “new things”, we discovered her amazing navigational abilities. Thanks to her, she showed us the way back to the hotel when we found ourselves lost in the city of Copenhagen.
Through experiencing “new things”, my daughter took up the courage and asked me to take her to the Disney toy shop to buy a Rapunzel doll. Totally not prompted! For someone who goes all out to avoid conversations, such a request was highly unusual and extremely specific.
This is a girl who never asked for any toys when we took her to the toy shops; even when we told her, she could get anything she wanted.
She prefers to remain quiet, and if urged to give a response, she abruptly answers, “I don’t want!”
How I am so grateful for our simple conversations today
I admit my doubts about ever having a simple conversation with my daughter. Today, I am grateful for the opportunity; for that moment.
I now dream of the day when my daughter and I will share a real conversation. Meanwhile, we will continue helping her to improve her communication skills.
These days the chatter of my third child is simply music to my ears. I even appreciate the constant rebuttals of my teenage son.
After seven years of living with almost silence with a non-verbal child, I know that communication with our children is something I can never take for granted.
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